


My days are layed with fire

by digthewriter



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Magic, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confusion, Happy Ending, M/M, Miscommunication, Mpreg, Past Merlin/Cenred, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Pregnant Sex, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 23:15:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5068618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/digthewriter/pseuds/digthewriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur does everything in his power to stay away from Merlin. Except when a pregnant Merlin needs help, he’s the only one available.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My days are layed with fire

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to blissbubbles for being my beta. All the remaining mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Additional Notes: Past: Cenred/Merlin. Not Arthur's baby. AU with magic. Angst. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Merlin, nor am I profiting from this fic. It's written for fun. No offence is intended.

  
_“Each night I lie and dream about the one_  
_Who kissed me and awakened my desire_  
_I spent a single hour with him alone_  
_And since that hour, my days are layed with fire_.”

* * *

"Why do I have to do it?" Arthur asked in the most annoyed tone he could. He hated that his sister just commanded him to do chores for her whenever she felt like it. Usually, he didn't mind helping her out in running the village but _this_? This was not his responsibility.

"Because Gaius is otherwise occupied and we don't have anyone else that we can trust. He will be there, only two days later." Her response, along with her face, expressed that Arthur was just so exhausting and that his mere presence was such an inconvenience. Except, his mere presence _wasn't_ an inconvenience because she clearly needed him.

"I haven't got the time," he lied. He had nothing to do these days, especially since Lance had married Guinevere and they were always doing their own —married couple thing—whatever that was and Gwaine and Percival had taken a trip out of the village, too.

Morgana obviously didn't believe him because she gave him that look. That look that stated that he was lying to her and she knew it. He really hated that his sister was the most respected in the village after Gaius and he hated what he had to do!

"I know how you feel about hi—"

"Don't, Morgana," Arthur warned her. He wasn't going to hear it. Not from her, too.

He was the village idiot and now he was being asked to do something that only confirmed that. He wanted to groan, he wanted to cry, no, he wanted to punch something. He wanted to punch Cenred. If he weren't already dead, that is.

"I'm so sorry, Arthur," Morgana said sympathetically. "But, Gaius really can't go with him and he needs immediate medical attention." She placed her hand gently on his shoulder and slightly squeezed it. "Mordred will be there to help you."

Mordred was the best magically suited birthing physician in the region and he was a few villages over. Gaius usually dealt with the village's magically male-pregnancy cases in Camelot, but it hadn't been long since he'd declared himself too old for the craft and Merlin, practically being Gaius's family, had to be taken to the best.

When he was growing up, Arthur had no idea that boys could also have babies, but he also didn't know about magic. As he matured, he found out that not everyone was born the same, and some were born with magic. His sister, Morgana, was one of them. Of course, his father had shunned the idea, and thanks to their mother, Arthur had grown up without that prejudice. When Morgana's own mother had died a few years later, Arthur's mother had raised them _both_ as her own. 

Arthur's father had left the village and never returned.

 _Magic_. Arthur snorted thinking about the word. It was the thing that had brought him close to Merlin, since Merlin had it and Arthur didn't. It was the thing of intrigue, and beauty, and wonder, and Merlin had always offered to share it with him. It wasn't a secret to anyone close to Arthur about how much he was in love with Merlin. How he had been, probably from the day they'd met. And now he was being asked to take Merlin out of the village, to another physician, so he could have his child. A child that wasn't Arthur's. But Cenred's.

-

It was a four days' journey with eight to ten stops. Arthur had planned the stops according to how long he could endure without sleep, and his horses, along with the inns that he was aware of that were on their way from Camelot to the village of Cerdan. He waited at the front of the carriage as Merlin climbed in with Will's help. Arthur barely moved a muscle, but he could feel the inside of his cheek bleeding while he kept his jaw tight. 

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Will asked Merlin one more time before he left.

"I'll be fine, Will. Don't worry," Merlin said and Arthur continued to stare ahead. "You can't take time off work for me, it's a few days to get there and then I'll have to stay there for a while. Kara will be there and you can't afford—"

"The tavern can run itself," Will said sounding nonchalant.

"And what about Freya?"

"She'll understand."

"Just get out of here before I change my mind, okay?" Merlin laughed and Arthur had to force his eyes shut because they burned. 

His eyes burned, and he burned, and this was all kinds of wrong and after this, he was going to leave Camelot for good. He wouldn't be able to take this much longer. The sound of Merlin's voice, his laugh, _his_ laugh that once used to be Arthur's laugh—it was all too much.

"If we're ready," Arthur asked, his voice rasped, and he heard Will shut the door of the carriage. At least Merlin was inside the carriage and behind Arthur so Arthur couldn't see him, or talk to him, and could just pretend to move along until they were scheduled to stop somewhere.

"Thanks for doing this, Arthur." Will's soft voice came like a shock. He hadn't expected Will to come up front and speak to _him_. 

Arthur nodded curtly. "It's my job."

"I know. And you could have said no..." Will whispered as if he didn't want Merlin to hear. "If you can, do try to talk to him on the way. Maybe hear his side of the story."

Arthur scowled at the words. _What side of the story_? He thought. There was no side. He was foolish enough to be in love with Merlin, when Merlin didn't see him as anything but a friend and then he'd gone and shacked up with Cenred. Cenred who was stupid, and violent, and had got himself killed in a drunken rage; leaving his pregnant, betrothed behind.

Arthur opened his mouth to say something, what, he had no idea when the sound of Morgana's voice came from a distance. "Are you ready?" she asked Arthur, giving him a sympathetic look again.

He nodded. "Is it—uh—safe?" he asked, feeling senseless. 

"Yes," she said warmly. "I've placed a protection spell on the carriage, you, and your horses. No harm will come to any of you."

"Thanks," Arthur said, still hesitant. He really didn't care about himself, but he didn't want to come out and say that. After everything, he just wanted to be sure that Merlin would be safe for the journey.

"Certainly, Arthur. You're doing the village a great favour, and don't think we haven't noticed."

"Just doing my job," Arthur said dryly, and pulled on the reins to ready the horses. 

-

The first stop was just a few hours in. It was so Arthur could examine the horses, and refill their water bucket. He wanted to take it slow for the first day, so the horses wouldn't be too tired so early into the journey. When he found the resting area off the main road, Arthur got up off the box seat and stepped down carefully. He wasn't sure if he should check on Merlin to see if he needed something. Morgana had packed enough food for them for the first day in case they couldn't find a place decent enough to eat so he would have been all set. Still, Arthur couldn't help himself.

He peeked in through the window. Merlin was sleeping. His feet were placed on the seat across from him and there was a small table where he was resting his thighs. The rest of his body was well adjusted also. A blanket was placed over him with his hand on his stomach. He looked peaceful. He looked as though they hadn't just been trudging along on a stony road and he was sleeping on his bed. Arthur figured he was probably using magic to keep himself that way.

Arthur turned away from the carriage, placing trust in Morgana's protective spells, and walked into the saloon. He ordered himself a shot of whiskey, downed it with one gulp, paid the man, and walked right back out. Next, he emptied the water buckets, washing the horses, before he refilled them with fresh water.

Checking into the carriage one more time and seeing that Merlin was still sleeping, Arthur got back up to his seat and started the journey.

-

The next stop was only a few hours after, when it was obvious that he and the horses were hungry. Things were going according to plan since he'd just reached over to Mercia Inn. Arthur went into the inn and got the attendant to help him tie his horses in the back. Next, the attendant gave him two keys for rooms on the first floor. Although it would have been surprising that they didn't have the rooms available, Arthur was still relieved to know that he would not be in the same room as Merlin for the night. 

He walked back to the carriage after the horses were secured and saw Merlin sitting up quietly. 

"We'll be staying here for the night," Arthur announced, looking past Merlin and at the inside decorations of the compartment. 

"Very well," Merlin said politely. 

"Do you require assistance—"

"No, I'll be fine. Can you just carry my satchel?"

Arthur nodded and opened the door, bringing the foldable footrest down. He reached into the compartment and grabbed Merlin's belongings and stepped back. He waited and watched with patience as Merlin, nine months pregnant, tried to step out on his own. It took every ounce of Arthur's resolve to not just reach over and help him. He knew what it felt like to hold Merlin in his arms. He may have never done that in a romantic gesture but they'd done enough mucking about and fighting that he remembered the feel of Merlin's clothes rustling under his fingers. 

_Why are you doing this to yourself, Arthur_?

"Arthur..." Merlin whispered holding his hand out and Arthur quickly grabbed it. When Merlin was secure with both feet on the ground, he immediately let go. 

Merlin closed the door to the carriage, and Arthur just nodded. "This way," he said and walked off, without looking back. 

When they entered the front area of the inn, the attendant and his wife both looked at them. "This is Merlin," Arthur said, "and they are..."

"Tristan and Isolde," the woman said, coming around to greet them. "Let me walk you to your room, and then I'll show you the dining area."

"Thank you," Arthur said, giving Merlin's belongings and his room key to her and then walking out again. He had no idea what he was doing. The horses didn't need to be checked on again but he really needed some air. 

_Three more days of this_ , he thought. 

"Is he a friend of yours?" Tristan asked, coming behind Arthur and stood next to him. 

"He's just a job," Arthur said. 

"You must care for him," Tristan said, chuckling.

"What makes you say that?"

"Well, you requested to inspect the rooms beforehand, gave him the bigger room with the view of the river, and asked about food that isn't terribly spicy."

Arthur shrugged. "My task is to ensure he's safe and comfortable. Nothing more."

"Very well, then," Tristan said, slapping Arthur on the back. "Come and let's have a drink."

-

After the dinner, Arthur stayed in the bar area with Tristan for a few more drinks. He was glad to be getting slightly drunk because that would assure him a decent night's sleep. They were hard to come by these days. He'd been dreading the birth of Merlin's child, because that had meant Arthur's departure from Camelot and it was becoming harder and harder to fall asleep. The desire for him to run away, the guilt of what it might do to his sister and his friends, and the fear of never seeing Merlin again.

"Arthur..." Merlin whispered, opening his door as Arthur walked past his room. Had he been waiting there the whole time?

"Are you comfortable?" Arthur asked stiffly. 

"Yeah," Merlin said and his face seemed to light up. "The room is bigger than my own room at Gaius's home."

Gaius's home? Arthur was surprised to hear that because he thought that Merlin stayed at Cenred's, even if Cenred was gone. "We shall leave at the first sight of dawn. I'll wake you early so you can bathe and then we'll be on our way," he said and then quickly walked away.

" _Thanks_." Merlin's response was a whisper and then he closed the door. Arthur didn't look back. He didn't want to look back, until he did. He stared at the empty hallway that he'd just walked out from and his gaze lingered for a minute, wondering if Merlin would open the door again.

God, he really hated Morgana for putting him through this.

-

Arthur woke up with a blasted headache and he had no idea why he drank as much as he had the night before. Sure, at the time, numbing the pain seemed like a good idea. Now he just felt like death had hurled over inside him. 

He left the inn and walked around the grounds to check on his horses. They looked well rested and ready to start their day. _Damn them_.

It was still too early in the morning for anyone to notice, so Arthur figured he'd do the only thing he could think of to refresh himself. A swim in the river. The night before, when he and Tristan were well on their way of getting highly intoxicated, Tristan had talked about the water being almost healing, and Arthur hoped that it'd work for him. Maybe the river would just take away his pain and he could focus on his task and not focus on his heartbreak. He hadn't thought that there was anything else left to break, but he'd obviously been wrong.

Arthur removed all of his clothing and dove in. It was cool since the sun hadn't risen enough to warm it and the breeze was adding on another layer of frigidness, but Arthur didn't care. He washed himself as he drifted and then swam and swam and swam up to his heart's desire. He closed his eyes and let the water take him anywhere it wanted. He floated about, not thinking about anything, until he felt as though someone was watching him. He looked back over at the inn and found Merlin's eyes right on him.

Merlin was still in his room, but he had a very clear view of the river and he was just there—standing by the window—staring.

Arthur cleared his throat as if Merlin could hear him, his hesitation, his embarrassment, and swam to the shore. He dressed quickly and made his way back to his room where he dried himself off and changed into a fresh pair of clothing. When he walked out, Merlin was already in the waiting area and speaking with Tristan.

"How was the swim?" Tristan asked excited, but didn't wait for a response. "Wasn't it just the thing you needed?"

Arthur nodded in confirmation but didn't speak. He was about to suggest that they be best on their way when Isolde offered them breakfast. 

"As a gratitude for your business!" she said smiling and refused to take no for an answer.

After breakfast, Arthur was glad that Tristan and Isolde had decided to help Merlin into the carriage and he just jumped on to his rider's seat. "Thank you for your hospitality," Arthur said with a genuine smile. They had been too kind and there was no reason for him to be sour with them about _his_ current situation.

"Please, promise that you'll stay with us on your journey back!" Isolde said to Merlin and they were on their way.

-

They rode until late afternoon and Arthur worked the horses hard. They had had a decent night's sleep so they had nothing to complain about. If there was anyone still tired and suffering it was Arthur. Finally, when they reached another tavern, Arthur parked the carriage again. 

He looked into the compartment for Merlin, thinking that Merlin might have been sleeping again but was shocked to see Merlin in pain. "What's the matter?" Arthur said quickly, opening the door and reaching out to Merlin.

"Just a bit thirsty," Merlin said, almost rasping. "I can't sustain my magic with the baby and dehydrated—"

"Why didn't you say anything?" Arthur asked, furious. "Why didn't you just call out my name or tap on the window, or—"

"I didn't want to disturb you," Merlin said, looking like he was about to keel over. "You're not talking to me."

"Wait here," Arthur said and quickly reached for his things by the footrest. He grasped his water canteen and opened the top so Merlin could drink from it. "Here," he said, bringing it to Merlin's mouth and then rested Merlin's head on his hand, helping him drink it.

Merlin nearly drank the entire thing dry. "Thanks," he said.

"You have to tell me if something is wrong. How am I supposed to know?" Arthur nearly shouted at which Merlin cringed.

"I'm sorry. You're angry—"

"Of course, I'm angry," Arthur said, this time not shouting as much. "You could have died of desiccation. Your magic isn't built to sustain a child and yourself at the same time. Where's the fruits Morgana had packed?" Arthur started looking through Merlin's things for an orange. 

"I meant...you've _been_ angry with me. And I...uh...didn't want to inconvenience you any further."

 _Oh_. "Like I said, it's my job to ensure your safety, regardless of my own sentiments towards...the situation." Arthur cleared his throat slightly. "Please promise me that next time if something is wrong, you'll alert me immediately."

Merlin promised with a nod.

"I'll bring you more water and then I'll feed the horses. Are you fit to walk or shall I bring your food here, too?"

"I don't think I can move right now," Merlin said.

"Very well. I'll be back shortly."

Arthur made his way into the tavern and paid the barkeep for filling his and Merlin's canteen. Then he took care of the horses for a while before he returned to pick up the food order he'd placed. The barmaid helped him carry the food out to the carriage and he tipped her for her assistance. 

"Will you eat with me?" Merlin asked quietly.

"What?" Arthur asked, taken aback. He'd planned on eating alone on his rider's seat until it was time to go. He hadn't expected Merlin to offer—

"The compartment is big enough and I don't like eating alone," Merlin said.

Of course, Arthur knew this. Ever since they had been children, Merlin liked being surrounded by people who ate and drank together. He hated the idea of anyone dining by themselves. Ever since...ever since Merlin wasn't his anymore, Arthur had almost always eaten alone.

"You said that if I needed something—"

"Fine," Arthur said and stepped into the carriage and closed the door behind him. He had also bought half a bottle of wine that he took a swig from. He offered it to Merlin who took one small sip and returned it.

"I am not allowed much wine in my state," Merlin said and Arthur acted though he hadn't said anything. Merlin said he didn't wish to eat alone, he hadn't said anything about pleasant company or keeping conversation.

-

That evening, they stayed at Gawant Inn. The innkeepers weren't as friendly and hospitable as Tristan and Isolde, but they weren't cold or aloof, either. After dinner, Arthur saw Merlin to his room and then went directly to his own. He didn't touch any wine that night and slept awfully, constantly tossing and turning with nightmares one after the other.

Things became quiet and comfortable between them. Arthur said enough of what he needed to say to Merlin and Merlin remained in the carriage, well protected, and seemingly content. 

However, it wasn't completely effortless. The last night, and their last stop, was Feorre Inn, and the innkeeper, Asgerd told Arthur that they were all booked up.

"What do you mean you're booked up?" Arthur snarled at the news. "Nothing happens in this village. Where are all these people coming from?"

Asgerd gave him a condescending smile that Arthur nearly wanted to slap off the man's face. "Nothing happens here until the Festival of the Goddess Braciaca!" Asgerd shook his head. "Our village is famous for it. People from all nearby villages come by and pay tribute to the Goddess for protection of the sacred realms."

Sacred realms, as in an altered state of mind. It was the celebration of getting besotted and finding no boundaries that you couldn't cross. Arthur should have known about this before he'd set out on this journey. He would have taken a different route. 

"Therefore, you have no availability?" Arthur asked, frustrated.

"Well, I said we don't have _two_ rooms. We have one room, it's on the fourth floor and only _one_ bed. It's the Master Suite and comes with a special price!"

Arthur resisted rolling his eyes. "How big is the room?" he asked, and the man shrugged. "Is there enough floor space for me to lay on my side, at least?" he snapped.

"The bed is rather large," Asgerd said slyly. "You wouldn't need to lay on the floor, sire."

Arthur released an exasperated sigh. He didn't have time for this. Four flight of stairs with Merlin in an inn that was flooding with miscreants. He had no other choice. He didn't want to admit this to himself but he'd been watching Merlin and Merlin wasn't looking so great. He needed proper rest, and he needed a physician fast. 

"Fine," Arthur said eventually. "Is there another entrance, so we can perhaps divert away from the crowd?"

Asgerd nodded and called on a young boy to help Arthur. The boy went up to the carriage with him and helped Merlin get out and walked them behind the inn to another entrance that was quiet, yet the stairs didn't look very sturdy. 

"Okay, go on up to the room then," Arthur said to the young boy. "I'll help you," he said, turning to face Merlin.

Merlin nodded and held onto Arthur's arm as they made their way up the stairs. Finally, after what felt like hours, and Arthur wasn't sure if he could take in Merlin's scent anymore, without wanting to kill himself, they reached the room. The boy had dropped their things by the door and left.

"Where is your room?" Merlin asked, looking around; it seemed to be the only room on the floor. 

"I—uh—they didn't have anymore," Arthur said, looking on the floor before he grabbed their things and made his way into the Master Suite. At least it came with a private bath. 

"Oh," Merlin said, sounding alarmed. "Are you okay with that?"

"Are you?" Arthur snapped. He really was at the last of his patience. He didn't know how he would be able to survive this. Thankfully, Gaius was going to arrive at the village in a few days and relieve Arthur of his duties.

"Certainly. I'm not the one who hates their life-long friend," Merlin said quietly and closed the door to the room behind him, locking both of them in one room.

Arthur chose to ignore Merlin's words and began unpacking. They had enough sustenance for one day, which would be used on the road tomorrow. This meant that they'd have to have dinner with the food provided by the inn. 

"I'll go downstairs and arrange for food to be delivered to the room," he said and walked out the room.

When Arthur returned, Merlin was resting on his side. He stirred slightly as Arthur entered the room, otherwise didn't give away that he knew that Arthur was there. 

"I don't _hate_ you," Arthur said, in the end, when the silence had been lingering for too long. When Merlin didn't turn, Arthur knelt down on the bed and placed his hand on Merlin's shoulder. "Merlin, did you hear..."

Merlin turned to look at Arthur, and his face was wet with tears. He looked as though he'd been crying the entire time Arthur had been gone.

"Mer..." Arthur pulled on his sleeve and wiped his friend's face. "Please don't...I don't want to be the reason you're crying, Merlin."

Merlin wiped his tears with the help of Arthur's shirtsleeve and then the back of his hand. He looked like he really was trying to stop but kept coughing when he'd stifle his sobs. 

"Here..." Arthur said, getting up and going to his satchel. He took out a small washcloth and handed it to Merlin. "Maybe this will help." He turned to sit with his back facing Merlin as Merlin cleaned himself up. 

"I can't believe you're crying. You _never_ cry," Arthur said, looking at the wall on the other side of the room.

"Well, it's two things. It's the bloody pregnancy hormones. The magic can't control all the emotions and tears are easy to come by and..." He sighed and sounded in such a way that he'd sagged against the wall.

Arthur turned to look at him. "And..."

"And, losing you," Merlin said, wiping at his eyes again. "I didn't cry this much when my father had died." His voice had the hint of sarcasm and disdain that Arthur was so used to. 

"It's hard for me," Arthur said and Merlin looked at him expectantly, "to see you like this."

"Why?"

"Why?" Arthur asked, standing up. He clenched his fists so he wouldn't shout. " _Why_? Because the entire village knows that I am in love with you and you—you slept with another man. I made a fool of myself, thinking I was going to marry you and you are having his bloody child and I—"

"Are you upset that the whole village thinks you're a fool, or because you lost me?" Merlin asked, cool as cucumber. Is this what he always wanted? To get Arthur so bloody riled up?

Arthur snorted. Bloody hell. He was about to say something back when there was a knock on the door. Arthur turned around to open the door and saw that the boy and the matron had brought their dinner in. They placed everything on the small table by the bed and Arthur told them that he'd bring everything down himself. They nodded and left.

"I'm upset because I loved you and you didn't love me back. That you shared the warmth of your bed with a man that wasn't worth half of what you are. He was a rat bastard and he went and got himself killed and couldn't even take care of you—"

"I can take care of myself," Merlin said immediately.

"Right. Look at you now," Arthur said gesturing towards Merlin's hindered state. He immediately regretted the words.

When Merlin didn't say anything, Arthur started to put the food on their plates. It was basic, rice, beans, meat and potatoes, and he wasn't going to taste any of it, anyway. He'd just eat, drink some wine and go to bed. Hopefully, after tomorrow this would all be a really bad dream. 

"He was rather scum," Merlin said softly, after they'd done eating and Arthur was collecting the utensils.

"What?" Arthur asked, not sure if he'd imagined the words or if Merlin had actually said them.

"I didn't love him. Not even a little bit. It was all a very bad mistake," Merlin said, finally looking up at meeting Arthur's eyes. "Is it bad if I said that I was glad that he actually died? I mean he was mean, and he picked bar fights with everyone. Sooner or later, someone was going to give him what he deserved—"

"Merlin."

"It's bad."

Arthur chuckled slightly, unable to help himself. "Yeah. It's a bit."

They were quiet again, and Arthur had a million questions. He was afraid to ask, afraid to find out what it all meant. What Merlin meant. He eventually picked up the dishes and the utensils and made his way down the steps. This would give him some time to think, some time to clear his head. 

Merlin said it'd been a mistake, and that he didn't love Cenred. He didn't say he loved Arthur, either. Sure, mistakes happened. And there were plenty of women in his village that'd slept with the wrong man and had his child, most of them were forced to marry the man, too. If Merlin didn't care for Cenred, then maybe it _was_ a good thing that the bastard got what he deserved. 

God, he could never tell anyone he thought that. Morgana would have his head for thinking such thoughts.

When he returned, Merlin had just come out of the bath. His scent had filled the room and Arthur tried really hard not to stare but Merlin wore a light blue thin cotton shirt and silk trousers and he looked _beautiful_. Even if he was pregnant, and it wasn't _his_ child, Arthur thought that he _looked_ like the beautiful magic he created. 

"Will you, um, lie with me?" Merlin asked in a gentle tone, resting his body on the bed and stared up at Arthur.

Arthur was at a loss for words. Now he remembered exactly why he'd spent all his time away from Merlin, because it was Merlin, and he was magic and Arthur could never say no to him. "I...sure," he managed to say and removed his shoes as he lay on his side, facing Merlin.

"Do you _still_ love me?" Merlin asked, tenderly, brushing the back of his hand against Arthur's cheek. 

Arthur took in a deep breath and snapped his eyes shut. Feeling Merlin's touch against him was overwhelming. No amount of wine put him in such a state as just a simple touch from this man had. "Yes..." he whispered when Merlin brushed his thumb against Arthur's lips. "I am still in love with you, Merlin."

"Believing Cenred was the biggest mistake of my life, Arthur," Merlin said and Arthur opened his eyes to look at him. He was so fragile, and so _Merlin_ , that Arthur just wanted to wrap his arms around him. He inched a bit closer, just so he could feel Merlin's warmth more. 

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked, quietly.

"He told me..." Merlin frowned as if he were remembering the words and hating them at the same time. "You know that evening you said you had a surprise—it was about Lancelot—"

"Yes, of course," Arthur said. "I was going to help Lancelot propose to Guinevere, and he had this whole evening planned and, what, Merlin?"

"I saw you go up to the roof of the castle, above your sister's room, and well, I thought the wrong thing."

"What did you think?" Arthur asked, stroking the side of Merlin's arm with the back of his hand. Merlin leaned into the touch and smiled. God, Arthur could have given anything to watch Merlin smile like that. He hadn't seen that smile in so long. 

"I thought maybe you were the one proposing to Gwen. I had no idea that she and Lancelot were in love and then Cenred also lied to me and told me that was the truth. I was crushed. I thought everything I knew was a lie. I'd imagined that you'd loved me and that I'd been wrong. But Cenred—he took me out and we got drunk. It was wine after wine and whiskey, and everything and then he kissed me." Arthur stopped stroking Merlin's arm for a moment while he took the words in. Knowing that Cenred purposely lied to Merlin and then _kissed_ him....

"He said that _he_ loved me and that he'd treat me well if I could forget about you. I told him that I wanted to forget about you and well...things happened."

Arthur had all the reasons to be upset. He had every reason to be angry with Cenred, for lying to Merlin, with Merlin for doubting Arthur, but he knew that this wasn't the time for it. "Of course, I loved you, Merlin. I've loved you since before I could even know what love was. You were mine. You were supposed to be _mine_."

Arthur turned away and lay on his back. He stared at the ceiling with despair. God, Cenred had deceived them both. Lied through his teeth for every fucking thing there was in this world. Arthur _hated_ Cenred and if he weren't dead, he'd kill him himself.

"I am yours, Arthur. I would forever be yours. If you leave me, I'll still love you. If you marry someone else, I'll still love you. My child will grow up learning about the great man that I loved and how he was perfect—"

Arthur turned to his side again. "Why did you keep it?" he asked, not in a harsh tone, but delicately. He was curious. 

"It's not the child's fault that his father was stupid," Merlin said, laughing. "It's a child of magic. I couldn't end its life. It meant the end of my magic and I could never do that."

"But you love it? Your child? You love him or her?"

Merlin nodded. "Yeah, he or she is the second best thing to ever happen to me. My second chance at love."

Arthur smiled. He didn't need to ask, not now, but he wanted to hear it. "And your first..."

Merlin brushed the hair off Arthur's forehead and then brushed his thumb against Arthur's lower lip. "It's you, naturally."

"Naturally," Arthur echoed.

"I want to tell you something, Arthur," Merlin said and Arthur nodded. "Before this child arrives into this world, I want it to feel the love I have inside of me. The love I feel for you."

"Okay..." Arthur said, unsure of the meaning behind Merlin's words.

"Will you...love me?" Merlin asked, hesitantly. 

Arthur didn't know exactly what and how Merlin meant, but he knew that loving Merlin wasn't going to be terribly difficult. He scooted closer to Merlin's body, raked his fingers through Merlin's hair until he reached the back of Merlin's neck, and pulled him in for a kiss.

With tentative and shaky hands, Arthur's touch moved down from Merlin's shoulder to his side and underneath his trousers. Merlin didn't stop him. If anything, the moment Arthur touched Merlin's skin, Merlin moaned into Arthur's mouth. 

At first, he caressed Merlin's arse, squeezing it lightly, then kneading it firmly. " _Yes_ ," Merlin gave his approval. It was difficult to rub up against each other, especially with Merlin's pregnant belly so Arthur turned slightly, changing the angles of his body, and felt Merlin's erection press against his thigh. 

"Merlin..." he rasped out, and when Merlin opened his eyes to look at Arthur, they were dark with lust and need. 

"More, Arthur. Please."

"Okay, stay like this," Arthur said, sitting up on the bed and removing his clothes. Next, he carefully helped Merlin remove his trousers. Merlin's cock was already hard and leaking with precome as it stood up, curving and nearly touching his stomach. "I'm going to come behind you," Arthur said and Merlin frantically nodded.

Arthur cautiously climbed around Merlin and lay on his side holding Merlin from behind. Arthur's chest rested against Merlin's back and he wrapped his right hand around Merlin's cock, holding Merlin close to his body. 

This was almost the way Arthur had always dreamed. Merlin was his. Merlin was in his arms. Merlin was writhing, and panting, and moaning for Arthur. "I love you," Arthur whispered into the crook of Merlin's neck where he rested as he started to stroke him gently.

Merlin pushed back, his arse against Arthur's cock, rubbing up, wanting, _needing_ Arthur's touch. "I love you, Arthur. God, this is so good. I've desired for you to be with me like this for _so many years_!"

The precome leaking from Arthur's cock made it easy for him to slide in and out of Merlin's thighs while he continued to stroke Merlin. He wanted to say so many things. He wanted to tell Merlin that he'd do anything for him. Be there for him and the baby, and give up everything if Merlin so wanted but those words weren’t important right now. What was important was that Merlin was his and they had this.

If Merlin was telling the truth, then he'd been alone in this for so long and Arthur was going to make him forget about all of his problems for this moment. He was going to _love_ Merlin; the way Merlin deserved.

He brushed his thumb against the head of Merlin's cock and Merlin shivered against him. His strokes became even, but harsher; firmer yet tender, and Merlin continued to writhe against him. Matching him beat for beat.

It wasn't long until they were both coming. Merlin crying out Arthur's name in pleasure and Arthur biting down at Merlin's skin to scream his own orgasm. It was incredible. It was nothing like Arthur had ever experienced before. He'd tried, of course, to forget about Merlin but there wasn't a thing that compared to this. This was everything. This was love.

Arthur tried to reach down to grip his shirt, to wipe them clean when Merlin told him to wait. He mumbled something and a moment later, magic had done it for them. Arthur crashed back on the bed and wrapped his arm tighter against Merlin.

"I don't suppose you have a spell for pulling the blankets on us," Arthur said into Merlin's hair. 

Merlin laughed softly, it was a beautiful sound—the blankets flew on top of them, and Arthur immediately fell asleep.

-

Arthur felt that he couldn't get away from Feorre Inn, and the village itself, fast enough. After he helped Merlin climb down the four flights of stairs, this time, not really hesitating with the hold on him, they skipped breakfast and left the inn behind. An hour later, Arthur came across a street vendor, and purchased some fresh fruit, bringing them to Merlin. Merlin asked him to stay and eat with him again, and this time, Arthur obliged happily.

Arthur watched Merlin when he just looked out the window of the small carriage over to the river, his hand slightly caressing his stomach. "Is that why you live with Gaius still?" Arthur asked before he could stop himself.

Merlin looked away from the view and at Arthur. He leaned into Arthur's embrace and rested his head on Arthur's chest. "Yes," he said. "I wasn't going to stay with him, even if he was alive. When I found out the truth I was so disgusted with him, with myself..."

"Shh..." Arthur tried to soothe him. "Stay calm. It's all over now. I'm here."

Merlin smiled against Arthur's chest and rested there. "I wish it could just be like this. You and me and us together."

"It can be. If that's what you want," Arthur said softly. 

"Arthur..." Merlin looked up to meet Arthur's gaze. "What are you saying?"

"I was going to leave, you know. Drop you off at Mordred's and then just leave. Not return to Camelot, not return...ever. Because I thought you didn't love me and that I couldn't survive there with you and the baby, seeing him or her grow up. Watch you fall in love with someone else—"

"What about your sister? And the village?"

Arthur shrugged. "They don't need me. They could easily find someone else to protect them."

"Of course they need you, Arthur. You're Morgana's rock. You're my—I need you."

"Do you, though? I mean you were fine all these months without me and if Gaius was available, he would have been the one taking you..." Arthur stopped talking when he saw an expression on Merlin's face he didn't recognise. Was it horror? Or guilt? "What is it?" he asked.

"I...sort of requested that you be the one to take me to Cerdan. I was rather adamant about it." Merlin looked guilty as he pulled back to read the expression on Arthur's face, which Arthur was sure was surprise. 

"You wanted to torture me?"

"I wanted a chance to speak with you," Merlin said. "Despite everything else, you were my friend, Arthur. You abandoned me and I was lost without you. I wanted to tell you what happened between me and Cenred but I could never get the chance and then I fell ill.... I'm sorry, Arthur. That I had to trick you, but I had no other choice."

Arthur nodded. So perhaps he had been a bit too closed off after he'd found out about Merlin and Cenred, and he knew that Merlin had even written him letters that he'd never opened. He couldn't exactly place the blame on Merlin for tricking him in such a way, he even deserved it.

"We should continue the journey. It's only a few hours and then we'll be at Mordred's. They must be expecting us."

Arthur carefully released his hold on Merlin and started to step out of the carriage. 

"Are you awfully cross with me?" Merlin asked when Arthur was placing the blanket over Merlin and ensuring that he was safe. 

Arthur smiled and shook his head. He leaned in and kissed Merlin on the cheek. "No, I understand what you did. I understand all of it. I wish that you hadn't been so rash when you'd misinterpreted my intentions with Gwen, but I can't be upset with you over it. Cenred lied to you and I wasn't exactly available for anything so... Just rest, Merlin. We'll be there soon."

-

It only took a few hours and Arthur was glad to have reached the village. He rode over the small bridge with care since he didn't want an accident at the last minute and spotted a small barn with a few horses grazing about. 

When they reached the Physician's Post, Mordred, his wife Kara, and others were waiting there for them. They'd received word from Gaius last week that Merlin was due to come in and they were all prepared.

Arthur barely had time to say his goodbyes to Merlin as he was catered for immediately. 

"How long does it take?" Arthur asked Kara as she showed him to the guest chambers. 

Kara smiled at him. "Gaius would say, it'll take as long as it takes," she said. When Arthur frowned at her words, she continued, "A child born from a male and with magic is a delicate process. Mordred and the other Seer will need to chant for a few hours to ensure the positive presence of magic before the procedure begins. The incantation itself takes several hours and then we have to see how strong Merlin's heart is to endure the process."

"Merlin's the strongest wizard I know."

"I know," Kara said, gently. "He speaks very highly of you, as well."

"So I'm just expected to wait here, for days?"

Kara shook her head. "He's in a magic sleep state right now. Gaius will be here tomorrow. He's in the best care possible, so you are not required to stay here, of course. You are free to leave if you so wish, get back to your life."

 _Get back to my life_ , Arthur thought. He had no life. Maybe he could just move on. Find a new village. Then, what about Merlin? As he was being taken away, he'd looked so afraid.

Arthur was afraid, too. He couldn't just leave him alone, though. Could he? Merlin had accused him of abandoning their friendship, and if he left now? Ran away? Wouldn't he be doing that all over again? It would be worse now because Merlin had told him that he loved him and Arthur wasn't the only one anymore. He wasn't alone in his pining for Merlin, clearly, Merlin longed after him, too.

-

"I can't just wait here," Arthur told Gaius the next day. He had slept terribly again and his nightmares had been filled with something tragic happening with Merlin, or the baby, or Cenred coming back from the dead.

"Where will you go?" Gaius asked calmly. When Arthur looked at him with confusion, he added, "Merlin told me that you wished to run away."

Arthur laughed. When Gaius said it, he made it sound so easy. Arthur shook his head. "I don't know. Everything I thought before, I was wrong. I thought I'd always needed Merlin—"

"And don't you?"

Arthur shrugged, looking away from Gaius. "I don't know what I need. I don't know what Merlin needs and if I can provide it."

"Why don't you try to be his friend again?"

Arthur thought about saying it delicately but was unsure of how he'd do it. "I can't be Merlin's friend. I haven't been his friend for so long, I don't know how to go back. I'm hurt. I feel betrayed, and it's not his fault, I know it's not, but I just can't— I can't put myself through this. To want him, and be his friend—"

Gaius's irritated expression stopped Arthur. "He _loves_ you and I know he's told you that. What more do you need?" Gaius's words weren't insulting or full of disdain, he sounded genuinely worried for Merlin. Everyone was always genuinely worried for Merlin, and sure, maybe Arthur was being selfish, but he couldn't have just spent one night making love and forget everything he'd ever felt. Push it all behind him and take Merlin, his baby, and move back to Camelot? He couldn't do that. He wasn't ready for it.

Arthur packed up his satchel and threw it over his shoulder. 

"You're leaving now?" Gaius asked, his tone serene. If this were Morgana, she'd throw a fit, use magic to rid Arthur of his belongings and lock him up. He was really bloody glad it wasn't Morgana.

"I'll leave the horses and the carriage with you and you can take Merlin back to Camelot when he's had the baby and they are safe to travel. I can't—I thought about it. I really have. I can't wait here, I'll go mad."

"How will we find you?" Gaius asked, sounding slightly worried. "What if Merlin asks for you?"

Arthur took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he had his answer ready. "When we were young, I used to hide from Merlin all the time, do you remember that?" Arthur asked and Gaius nodded. "Merlin used to say that we were connected. He could hear my heart beating on the other side of the universe and he'd locate me." Gaius's eyebrows rose but he didn't say anything. "Merlin always used his magic, our _connection_ , to find me. He can do it again."

He patted Gaius's shoulder and left. When he was almost out of the chambers and the home he'd spent the night at, Arthur saw Kara.

"What should I tell him when he wakes up and asks for you?" Kara asked, sounding disappointed as if she wasn't the one who'd told Arthur that he could leave.

Arthur reached under his shirt and took out the leather string that had been around his neck for almost ten years. Attached to it was a brass key, it'd belonged to his mother. She'd given it to Arthur as a symbol of their protected love.

"This was my mother's," Arthur said handing it to Kara. "Can you give it to Merlin?"

She nodded and took it from him. Before she could say anything else, Arthur left.

At the border of the village of Cerdan, as he was about to leave, Arthur thought about how far he could actually get just on foot. He purchased an old horse from a barn by the bridge and made his way. The horse wasn't much, but it was cheap. It would take Arthur where he needed to go.

-

One Month Later

The sun shone into the room and woke Arthur with a start. He always enjoyed the window, and the view of the river at night when the moon shone so bright and he could just imagine figures swimming there under the beautiful moonlight. Of course, he'd always thought that the ones who'd swim under the light would be him and Merlin, and that's why he stared out for so long before falling asleep.

In the morning though, he hated the sun. It reminded him of how he was still alone, and how he still hadn't been found. He grudgingly got up and went to close the window. He didn't like to be reminded that Merlin had once stood there and watched him bathe in the river. Though, he really was hopeless, because he often did things that reminded him of Merlin, and then cursed himself for doing so. That's really how he'd ended up here, at Mercia Inn. It was close enough to Camelot that if there was any news, he'd hear about it, but also far enough that he wouldn't be able to be reached—unless anyone knew exactly how to look for him.

After leaving Merlin behind, and not willing to return to Camelot, Arthur could only think of one place where he thought he could find peace. That river where he'd swam and nearly forgotten all of his troubles. He arrived at Mercia Inn and sought employment. Tristan and Isolde had been gracious enough to help him, and even offered the room where Merlin had stayed to be claimed as his. 

When Arthur looked over the river, he was surprised to find someone in the water. He didn't know that they had guests in the Inn last night. Upon staring for a moment, which he really should not have been doing, because the person was a guest, Arthur thought his eyes had deceived him.

"Merlin?" he mumbled to himself. No, it couldn't be.

The man floated in the water and looked directly at Arthur. The smile was all too familiar and Arthur couldn't believe it. It _was_ Merlin.

He immediately turned to leave his room and as soon as he entered the hallway, he saw Isolde holding a tiny baby. "Arthur," she said with a smile, and then returned her gaze to the baby. "Arthur is just so precious."

Arthur neither understood, nor did he care. He walked past them and around the inn towards the water. The man had come closer to the shore and then started to leave the water. It _was_ Merlin. Naked.

Arthur immediately looked away. It wasn't polite to stare, and he didn't want to give Merlin the wrong idea. _What idea would that be, Arthur? That you want him? That you love him? You don't want to smile because he finally found you? Are you going to push him away again?_

"Arthur..." Merlin voice was faint and then he placed his hand on Arthur's shoulder.

Arthur immediately turned around and pulled Merlin into a hug. He was dressed, albeit his clothes were soaked, but Arthur didn't care. Merlin had found him and come for him. 

"You came..."

"Of course, I did," Merlin said, slightly chuckling. "We're connected, aren't we? I'll always find you."

Arthur sensed a hesitation in Merlin's voice and he loosened his embrace to look at Merlin. "What is it?"

"Why did you run away again?"

Arthur didn't answer for a long time. "I needed to know if you meant it. That we were connected, that you _would_ find me and that you loved me. The way I loved you. I didn't want to be around you if there wasn't a place for me. I'd told you that I was leaving—"

"I'll always have a place for you, Arthur. You'll always be with me," Merlin said, and pulled Arthur in for a kiss.

Arthur finally let go of everything and poured himself in that kiss. He needed Merlin and maybe—maybe they were connected, and realising that to be the truth made him happier than anything in the world.

"Will you come and meet the baby?" Merlin asked softly, and reluctantly.

Arthur smiled and nodded. The child was a part of Merlin, and Arthur would love it like his own. He knew that. He'd always known _that_. It was just the matter of being given the opportunity. 

When they walked back into the inn, hand in hand, Isolde handed the baby to Arthur. Arthur carefully held the child and smiled down at him. He looked _exactly_ like Merlin. Same big blue eyes, and unusually large ears. The moment Arthur held him, at least he thought it was a boy, Arthur felt a rush of relief. There was no doubt that the child, just like Merlin, had magic.

"What did you name..."

"Arthur," Merlin said.

"What?" Arthur looked up, confused.

"His name is Arthur."

END


End file.
